Not By Myself
by etariel
Summary: This is Rin's feelings when Haru kisses her during Volume 12, chapter 70. I can't really say much more than that.


Hello again. I've recently read Fruits Basket and the minute I started I couldn't stop. Sadly reading it is very hard for me simply because it brings back so much emotional trauma for me. I really like Rin because I feel so connected to her. That was until I found out that despite being born in 1991 I'm a Horse! Cause the year of the Ram didn't start until February 15! I was shocked because when I was little I always wanted to be the Horse instead. Of course I wrote this story not ust because were both Horses I'm connected to her feelings as well.

Disclaimer: I don't own Rin, Haru or Fruits Basket (besides I can't draw so that techinally means I couldn't own it.)

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The minute I heard _his_ voice I thought it was all a set-up, a trap. His voice had floated in the air, as it always seemed to, it had an echo of wanting, yearning and love. It also held pain and worry, because of me, all because of me. 

"It's not nice to call people pieces of shit, Rin." I had turned around to see the familiar white-black hair and the dark eyes of my ex-boyfriend.

I had frozen on impact, too many emotions. I wanted to run and throw myself at him and have him hold me and tell me of his love again. I couldn't do that because it would hurt him. Akito would hurt him. It was better to leave him alone, though it broke my heart than to put him in danger of Akito's wrath.

"Haru what are you doing here?" the words came out less coldly than they should have, but they still held a trace of venom, of that coldness they needed to have, so that I wouldn't run crying like a child to his embrace and put him in danger.

"I came to visit Sensei's house." The answer was so simple. Yet the use of the word Sensei angered me. He had agreed to call Gure-nii that only so Yuki could live away from Akito's fury, besides Gure-nii wasn't really deserving of that title. "Yuki, you dropped your bag." Haru was so kind. I could feel my will wavering, time to end this so I could go away before I gave in.

Haru reached out towards me before I could say anything to end it. "You stay the hell away from me! Don't you dare touch me!" It was easier to ignore that this was Haru, the person I loved and pretend he was some sick pervert hitting on me.

"You really don't need me?" Haru's voice sounded lonely and pathetic. I didn't answer, the truth was I needed him now more than ever. "I see. In that case it doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't matter if I die."

My eyes widened. Die was so final, death was irreversible. I didn't want him to die! I bit my tongue to keep from yelling out, 'please don't die Haru. I love you. It _does_ matter to me if you die!'

Within seconds Haru was close enough to hold me. One hand in my long dark hair he tilted my face up to meet his, his warm breath on my face. His other hand was on my lower back, pulling me close to him.

He must have seen in my eyes, or my reaction that I did really care if he died. In a way I was glad and yet horrified that he had seen that. He really knew me all too well. His soft sweet lips were on mine again. Somewhat belatedly I tried to struggle away half-heartedly.

I wanted the kiss to go on forever, for me to stay in his arms like this forever. When the kiss finally ended, Haru pulled me close to him. My head resting on his shoulder.

"Of course I'm lying about dying," Haru spoke softly into my ear. "Rin, did I not understand something? I thought I understood everything about you, Rin. But maybe I got so complacent that I failed to hear you calling out to me when you needed me most?"

Now I was in trouble. I knew I'd have to answer him eventually. I didn't dare to open my mouth and speak for fear of betraying my buried feelings and get us both in danger. Luckily before I begin to speak to say anything to get me out of this dangerous, tempting situation Haru begins to speak again, "Rin, are you still like on that day unable to stand on your own?"

Stand… on… your… own, the words echo. For a minute I grow so angry that I can hardly stand it. I slap him as hard as possible across the face, tempted to hit him once again. How dare he bring up my weakness? How dare he suggest I need anyone to help me?

Angry now I run away, fuelled by this hate inside me I can run faster and farther. "Rin!" I hear Haru start to yell. No way in hell am I going back.

I'm sitting on a tree stump, my head bowed so that my hair streams like a dark river to hide my tears, to hide my face. My feet are lightly swinging hitting against the trunk. My feet feel so useless now.

How dare he just kiss me like that? How could he trick me like that? How could he say that? I'm fuming right now. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! And yet I don't, I couldn't hate him for more than a few seconds.

I like to think I'm in control of my life, that everything's going along just fine. I like to trust in my own strength to get me through each day. Yet the more I think it, the more I realise it's wrong. I can't stand up on my own. I can't go any further, not all by myself.

I want to be healed from the scars I've hidden from everyone. I want to feel happy again, I want to be able to tell Haru that I love him without worrying about causing more pain. I can't heal myself, not all alone. I can't go any further, not by myself. Not without Haru.

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Well here it is, and it takes place just after Haru kisses her in Volume 12, chapter 70. I hope you like it. 


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